I miss her,because she is gone…

The days were unusually dull,long and boring.I could not concentrate at work.All i wished was for the day to end so as to rush home and feel the warm routine hugs from Charity my wife.This usually happens to many newly-weds.We were still enjoying the times of our lives together.The first days of marriage life.Charity could not concentrate with the domestic chores as she also felt the same.Love was in the air, we could do literally everything together, from bathing to shopping.Charity liked shopping to the bone, she could wait for me so as for us to go for shopping together during the Weekends.On Sundays after Church we could visit friends and sometimes we could go to play golf.This was made possible since i had a fatty bank account.A young graduate,with a fleet of vehicles ,nice house and on top of all a beautiful ,charming and loving woman.She had stole my heart.Charity! Charity ! she was the best.The only unfortunate thing amongst us was that we were both young and adventurous.We were lovers in a dangerous time. All the same we were a happy couple.This happens to every new couple.Happier days are always rosy,but with the passage of the sands of time events usually turn topsy-turvey.Today,i can reminisce and recall Charity’s remarks,when she used to say “Sweetheart nothing will ever seperate us,you are the flesh of my flesh” So goes sweet nothings in love.This is what every partner whispers to his/her partner when you are in love.Such words ignites flickers of the fire of love.To me such sweet nothings managed to re-ignite the embers of love that were burning in my heart.

In no time i got promoted at my Company.This also meant that more cash,more fun.But as they say women always want to associate with cash,young ladies started to aveil their availabilty to me.They literally flocked to me. I grew up in a Christian family,were my mom could wake me up at 5 in the morning to do some household chores,before leaving for the synagogue.Remembering all my christian upbringing,i tried as much as possible to resist such temptations of infidelity.But with the passage of time Lloyd managed to convince me. ‘Everyman is doing it,so why you? Do you want to be a living testimony of a paragon of virtue,epitome of perfectionism?’

He went on to cite living examples of numerous men who had extra-marital affairs,which he termed ‘small house’.Lloyd’s example was  the last straw that broke the camel’s horse.I could not resist,such piece of advice.Also bearing in mind that we had been close friends,i always knew that when ever it came to the end,Lloyd was my pillar of strength.He was a kind of a person whom you could count on when the going gets tough. He was one of the nice souls around, a rare and endangered specie in the days of our lives when caring and loving people are few  and rare to find. To this end,i took up his advice.

Events started changing in our lovelife. I started  picking arguments with Charity.”This is not good for our lives Gift”,she could say.By then we had two children, Gift (jnr) and Mildred. But like someone who had become possessed with a demon/evil spirits i turned my ears against my wife.I started coming home late,for i had found comfort in the hands of another lover Cynthia,a young University student.The happiness that once overflowed in the house became missing.I also started drinking,until i a became a prisoner of the bottle.

Our lovelife become so cold,we stayed together whilst we were miles apart.Some days i could come home at midnight and in some days i never came home. This was the beginning of the end. I could see Charity crying ,but i never bothered to comfort and soothe her. We slept under the same roof,same bedroom but  our souls were thousand kilometres apart.She thought about the children who could not enjoy the presence and existence of their father.Charity became more prayerful,for she had found sanctuary and solace in the bible.As for me i had found that sanctuary in the bottle and in Cynthia my newly found love.

The bottle became man’s best friend.I bonded a close relationship with the bottle.When ever,she tried to touch me and reach me i denied her that right.As of today,i now know that the greatest sin you can commit to a woman is to reveal rejection,lack of love and compassion.Some poets say women are like flowers, their beauty needs to be appreciated.Some even say,they are like children,whilst some argue that they  even need more attention ahead of their own children. All this i denied my dear Charity,for in my heart i only felt the presence of Cynthia.

We stayed together but i had left her  a long time back. All this ate and reached the core and marrow of Charity’s heart,but all the same who cares. She became a pale shadow of her former self. What only kept her going was the attitude of a Mother. She would say ‘I will stay for the sake of my Children’. (meaning Ndinogarira Vana vangu).

After close to 10 months of such a conflict,the worst happened in our lives.Charity send all the kids to her aunt’s place on a Saturday evening.She remained alone at home. As of today i have come to the realisation that you can only see the importance of something when you miss it.When to Live is not an option Death is an option.Its so PAINFUL……..Charity decided to take her life on the eerie Saturday night. A loving,dedicated and strong soul was lost.I wished she had stayed longer to see her children growing up,i wish i had whispered words of love in her ears.I wish i had loved her till natural death claimed her.I wish i had repented,i wish she could have lived,i would have one day come HOME with some flowers,kneel down on the carpeted floor and ask for forgiveness.

The only consolation i have comes from my children. When,i see the children running in the yard,when i look at Mildred i see a striking resemblance of Charity.Whenever,i miss Charity i look at my young daughter and tears uncontrollably ooze out and run down the contours of my cheeks.One day amongst the other days,i know i will join Charity and if given the chance i will still ask for forgiveness. Often the voice of Conscience whispers and often we silence or ignore it,but in the end ,we have to pay.Sometimes we pay dearly,with the lives of our beloved ones!! Inside my heart i have kept a little box of memories that i have created about Charity,i wish God will grant me the strength to raise the kids and see them growing.

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Greatest Betrayal

Like two birds in love that fly in harmony and appear to dance with the grace of our love and the innocence of a child. Cindy had given me so much hope and  made me realize the true meaning of life. The true meaning of how a woman should treat a man  and the true wonders of why we are here on this earth.She accepted my heart as her own and we all listened to the rhythm of two hearts beating as one. I thought without her, I would crumble to dust. We gave each other the opportunity to realise that God is not only there but that he does work in wonderful ways.Our love was hatched in the midst of poverty and youthhood.But she loved me unconditionally,at a time when most ladies were rushing to grab men from the City.She opted for a poor soul in the Village.She loved me when no one else could.She was my voice and strength when i felt weak.We then decided to join our lives together in holy marriage that would withstand the test of time.

They talk of a man betraying his country, his friends, his sweetheart.But women can also betray their husband.Today I bear testimony and attest to that betrayal.It is the sweet melodious nice soft-spoken voices that makes us think women are innocent such that they can’t betray.In our
 lives we have been betrayed at one point in time.However,what makes betrayal so painful is when we are betrayed by those whom we trust and belief in. It is such acts of betrayal that robes us of the faith and trust that we bestow upon those who are close to us.I never knew that Cindy will betray me,for our marriage was full of happier days, full of trust and forgiveveness.We both grew up in the same village in Manyene Tribal Trust Lands.Society connections weaved in us good manners, fidelity, trust and love. Our love was founded on a pedestal of humility.

 
 
Ours was love in its purest sense, love without any material needs to spice but love  for the sake of love.Despite all the poverty and problems in our lives we decided to settle for a future together.She grew a lot of vegetables in the garden and we supplemented our earnings with the little that i got from weeding from our neighbour’s fields.But she was always supportive saying to me,”Sweetheart,things will be alright one day”.

These words kept us going,but in my inner self i really felt that we were lovers in a dangerous time.We had happier days,we were happy and thankful for what God had given us.Cindy was a strong a supportive wife,the kind of person who radiates a warming and life-giving smile to those who are at the verge of committing suicide.She was a great woman indeed.Even my mother always used to say “Gift ,you are luck to have a great woman like your wife,look well over her”. The whole community praised her,i knew that if there was someone who was going to wrong Cindy,it would be me.She was so innocent to hurt me,betray or leave me for another man like what many woman do. “We will build our own life,with our own sweat” that was her favourite saying,when the times were going tough.

With the power of prayers,we started to see some slight changes in our lives.We went for prayers 3 days per week during the nights.Many say there is power in prayers.The power in prayer was witnessed on the 2nd of July in 2002 at 4:00pm.I received a white envelope from my neighbour Lloyd,he got the mail from the headmaster at our local secondary school.I could not believe it,my uncle Tobias in Harare wanted me in Harare as soon as possible so as to start work.At last God had answered our prayers.Upon breaking the news to Cindy,she could not believe her ears,only what she saw easier to do was to break into tears.She hugged me over an hour,she cried over my shoulder.I could not hold my tears,the only alternative that was left was to cry back.We cuddled into each other  and cried,smiled and cried.Mother Evelyn came to our rescue at last.This was the genesis of better days.

She packed my little belongings in a dirty suitcase and she placed the other few belongings in a white plastic bag.We went to the bus stop and she gave me all the money that she had.This was the money that she got from selling her vegetables at the local shops.Biding farewell,became difficult on my part.But Cindy gave me strength, “Gift,you are going to work so as to change our lives,don’t worry much i will always be there for you,i will write to you soon”.The bus conductor,grabbed my small suitcase and placed it behind the driver’s seat.The long journey to Harare started and i left my Cindy behind.

Whilst in Harare,life proved to be so different from the rural areas.Life was so fast,confusing and tempting.I got employed as a cleaner in some big offices in town in the Central Business District.Uncle Tobias told me that i could not get a better job more than being a cleaner since i was a man of limited academic means.I had dropped out of school at Grade 7.My mother used to mould bricks for the community,sell vegetables and weed in our neighbour’s fields just to cater for my education.But when she realised that i was now able to write and read letters that is when she decided to drop me out of school.Indeed,i am thankful,she tried her level best.With the passage of time,days rushed into weeks and weeks rushed into months.That is how time flies.But no single day passed by without Cindy crossing my mind. She was always in my mind,at times i could hate my job and the distance that kept us apart. Whilst at work i started to get some off (leave) days.I then became a frequent visitor to my rural area to see my soul mate and the love of my life.

We really enjoyed my leave days.I started buying nice clothes for my mom and for my wife Cindy.In most cases when i visited the rural areas i used to write letters prior to my visit so that Cindy could come and help me in carrying luggage from the bus stop.But its on the 26th of December 2009.Previously,i had written to Cindy stating that i was tied at work,so i could not come for the festive holiday at Christmas.However, Innocent and Oscar had told me about how a man should act,that is being unpredictable in the eyes of his wife.These were usual beer hall talks that everyman talk with relish ,i had started to enjoy some of these stories.At the beer hall many narrate different stories about their wives,infidelity,love etc.Inoocent had encouraged me to pay an unexpected visit to my rural home so as to establish whether my wife was up to some infidelity or not.

I disembarked from the bus at around 7 pm but i waited for darkness to fall.At around 10 pm i knocked at the door.There was no answer! I knocked again this time harder.At last Cindy opened the door slightly,upon seeing me she froze on the door.She could not move.Suddenly a cold chill started running through the back of my spine.I started feeling like worms were strolling through my hair.In no time i pushed my way through in the dimly lit hut.OH GOD! I could not believe my eyes sekuru Manyengavana was in his birthday suit  lying on the reedmate.Like an insect collecting nectar,he had come to soil the innocence of Cindy.Like a person watching a movie or drama of some kind, i just dropped my self to the ground.My legs could not support me,i had developed jelly legs.I could hardly breathe.Today i am still nursing the wounds of betrayal.Whether i will trust again time shall tell.To Cindy,i say i loved you with the whole of my heart,you were the core and marrow of my bones.You were the flesh of my flesh,bone of my bone. I should have not left you behind,for you were corrupted by evil cunning deceitful men of this world.I still cry and i am not convinced whether it is the real you that did such a betrayal to me.The House is cold without you.But forgiving and forgetting is not that easy.Together or not. Like broken pieces in a jigsaw puzzle i wonder whether there is someone out there who will come and slot in these pieces together.After this betrayal i will never be my on self. Today i walk around with an empty hole in my life.I doubt whether this hole will be filled one day,I used to picture i and Cindy in the days of our lives but its now me,i and myself. What  a Betrayal.